On The Proper Kind of Selfishness

by markhofreiter

The following is the 3rd chapter in AWARENESS: A de Mellow Spirituality Conference in His Own Words

by Fr. Anthony de Mello, S.J. edited by J. Francis Stroud, S.J., Copyright © 1990 by the Center for Spiritual Exchange

“The first thing I want you to understand, if you really want to wake up, is that you don’t want to wake up. The first step to waking up is to be honest enough to admit to yourself that you don’t like it. You don’t want to be happy. Want a little test? Let’s try it. It will take you exactly one minute. You could close your eyes while you’re doing it or you could keep them open. It doesn’t really matter. Think of someone you love very much, someone you’re close to, someone who is precious to you, and say to that person in your mind, ‘I’d rather have happiness than have you.’ See what happens. ‘I’d rather be happy than have you. If I had a choice, no question about it, I’d choose happiness.’ How many of you felt selfish when you said this? Many, it seems. See how we’ve been brainwashed? See how we’ve been brainwashed into thinking, ‘How could I be so selfish?’ But look at who’s being selfish. Imagine somebody saying to you, ‘How could you be so selfish that you’d choose happiness over me?’ Would you not feel like responding, ‘Pardon me, but how could you be so selfish that you would demand I choose you above my own happiness?!’

“A woman once told me that when she was a child her Jesuit cousin gave a retreat in the Jesuit church in Milwaukee. He opened each conference with the words: ‘The test of love is sacrifice, and the gauge of love is unselfishness.’ That’s marvelous! I asked her, ‘Would you want me to love you at the cost of my happiness?’ ‘Yes,’ she answered. Isn’t that delightful? Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

“She would love me at the cost of her happiness and I would love her at the cost of my happiness, and so you’ve got two unhappy people, but long live love!”